alan and the farmers

Alan Farmers

alanFarmers video

You could talk the hind legs a donkey.

But your donkeys
are born without hind legs
because of the chemicals
you put in their

I don't have donkeys,
and if did I wouldn't feed them chips.

is the same rubbish as the day
when you talked about putting spine in a bap.

I admit was a mistake.
I shouldn't have "bap".


- Good. Well, that's a
- I should have said "baguette",


a spinal column would fit in baguette.

You've upset half the local
you seem to alienate everybody,

including wife, which is why you end
living like some tramp in a

It's a Travel Tavern.

I don't what you call
your sordid little hole.

- An awful lot of colleagues...
- Are farmyard animals.

- talking about my friends here...
- got more friends than you've got

- This is ridiculous!
- How cows have you got?

- I've a hundred cows.
- I've got hundred and four friends.

I don't what this is going to gain

Why don't you issue a full and you'll
get yourself out of lot of silly bother?

You are big posh sod
with plums in mouth.
- I don't think it's to do with class.
- And plums have mutated and have beaks.
Have you got any more of
or do you want to stop quacking plums?

You make pigs smoke.

want to know where you think earn
the right to go swanning on these ludicrous...

Swans! You feed to swans.

Do I? Perhaps you tell me
what's wrong with feeding to swans.

What?
If you fill swan with beefburgers,
it's full of it'll float better.

- That's why do it.
- Really?

No, you cretin, I'm just contributing to this
What else are you going to me of?

I'll tell you what you farmers,
you don't like outsiders, you?

like to stick to your

What do you mean by that?


I've seen the big-eared boys on
- For goodness sake, this is just...

If you see a field a pond,
with a family having picnic,

you fill in the pond concrete,
plough the family into the

blow up the tree and use leaves to make
a dress for wife, who's also your brother!

Have got anything else
to say here, shall I go?


You have big but nobody's allowed in,


and inside sheds
are twenty-foot-high chickens

because of the chemicals you've put in them,
these chickens are scared.

They don't why they're so big.
They go, am I so massive?"

And they're down
on all the other little

and they think they're in an
because all the other chickens are small.

Do you deny that?

No. silence, I think, speaks volumes.